Learning to receive
Learning to receive has been the most worked-on theme of the last three months. It was like an intensive crash course where Life showed me, in all kinds of ways, how much I struggled to receive: in the almost unbearable discomfort of pleasant situations, in the disconnect I'd feel when people I love were simply kind to me, in different settings. In being afraid of being happy.
This happened right in the middle of the two months I spent more withdrawn, after leaving tech — that's part of a longer story, which I share a little more about on the About page.
It was quite the process. All that was missing was a workbook — or maybe not, because at some point there was even a handout!
When everything seemed to ask for an explanation
But what struck me most during this time was realizing I certainly wasn't the only one. In conversations with different people, fear — and even guilt — around happiness showed up in other people's stories too.
And here's something precious I need to bring in: on the self-knowledge journey, it's common to spiral into unpacking how all of this must be about trauma.
But wait — is that really it?
That doesn't mean trauma isn't real, or that it doesn't need care. Some experiences call for the support of trained professionals, and reaching out for that support can be essential.
What I started questioning was something else: does every bit of discomfort that shows up when something good happens have to reveal some new hidden wound?
Does something nice always have to come with a new layer of pain to "discover"? A new layer? 🫠
For me, I began to realize that the answer might not be in dissecting one more thing. Maybe it was in something much simpler — and, at that moment, much harder: ✨LIVING MY LIFE✨.
Seven years of catharsis
Back in 2025, I was over here writing long, proud posts about my process. This year, I lost count of how many times I thumped my chest and said, "I've been doing catharsis for seven years now." I carried that like a trophy. It isn't one.
God… it's exhausting to scroll back through my own posts and reposts, sounding like a scratched record stuck on the same track for seven years! Sometimes it even felt like I was heading somewhere new… and then… here came more of the same. 🫠
Jesus.
The good part is that we also learn through contrast, right? I'm almost proud of that exhaustion now. 🤭
Maybe the practice was receiving
For me, that meant stepping out of a relentless search to blame or try to fix the past, and claiming MY place in the PRESENT.
In the end, self-knowledge needed to help me live my life — not become a substitute for it.
During those two quieter months, I understood that my search for self-knowledge had also, at times, turned into a constant search for something new to fix in myself. And maybe, in that moment, the practice wasn't finding one more explanation. Maybe it was simply receiving.
Living life
Maybe I didn't need to uncover one more thing wrong with me. Maybe learning to receive also meant letting something good happen without immediately going looking for what was behind it.
And for me, in that moment, self-knowledge started to mean less digging and more being present.
Received. 🙏🤍🕊️✨
Turns out self-knowledge can be fun, too. It's allowed to be fun. Bring it on. 🫶
